Forgiveness

Forgiveness--such an interesting word and concept and in my opinion a word with such ambiguity. So many definitions and so many interpretations of definitions. What is forgiveness really?

I believe in order to truly define what forgiveness is, you have to first determine what it is not:

Is it forgetting how someone has wronged you? The phrase "forgive and forget" gives us the impression that is exactly what it is. No, it is not. Perhaps if it is something petty such as holding a grudge (hmm...holding a grudge. Could that be a way to determine if you are witholding forgiveness?) because your sibling took your car without permission when you were a child and crashed it. In my opinion, that would be petty. Yes, they were wrong for not asking to borrow it but the accident was an accident. What if you gave permission and they got in the accident? Would that change things?

Several years ago, a local radio station would read a from either Ann Landers or "Dear Abby's advice column. (I can't remember which it was.) One day while listening, they read a letter from someone who had written in. It had a very powerful message and I will never, ever forget it:

The man wrote in to say that while growing up, he lived in a pretty wealthy neighborhood. It was quite common in this neighborhood, that upon graduating from high school, the sons would get a new car. A few weeks before graduation, this particular guy and his father went to go look at and pick out a car. They found one that he fell in love with and his father also approved of the car.

Graduation day came. After returning home after the ceremony, he waited anxiously for the car or to at least to receive the keys. When his father came to him to give him his gift, it was a package and said, "Happy Graduation son. I am so proud of you!" The son opened the package and in it he found a brand new Bible. He was so enraged and without saying a word, he threw the Bible across the room, stormed out, packed his bags and left. He did stay in touch with his mother and told her repeatedly that he would never forgive his father for what he had done and never spoke to him again.

Many years later, he was notified that his father had died. He went home to help his mother with the arrangements and eventually helped her to go through his dad's personal belongings. While doing so, he came across the Bible that he was given by his dad as a gift those many years ago. As he picked it up, an envelope fell out of it. He opened the envelope and inside was a cashier's check with his graduation date as the date, made out to the the car dealer for the amount of the car.

Everytime I think of that story it makes me so incredibly sad. I cannot even imagine the kind of guilt he must have felt for hanging on the the anger for so long for what I consider to be something extremely petty.

Forgiveness is not making light of the situation or excusing someone for their actions. Here is one definition of what forgiveness is that I read some time ago:  It has the meaning of "letting go". It means that we are not going to allow the experiences of the past to dominate our future and to prevent us from becoming all that God has planned we should become. There may well be memories we are unable to put out of mind, but we choose not to allow them to control our attitudes and behaviour in the future, even toward those who may be responsible for those memories.

Overall, I like that definition but do have some issue with the "choose not to allow them to control our attitudes" part. I believe there are hurts against us that can really affect you for life. I mean very serious ones.  They can affect your attidtude towards others in that you may not trust and while you may forgive the person , you may feel uncomfortable or even intimidated or scared if in the same room with them or in their presence in any way. I don't believe you are necessarily "allowing" them to control your attitude but some things can cut you pretty deeply.

Are there offenses that are unforgiveable? I believe there are some offenses that are very difficult to forgive and that may take you a long time to get to that point, but they can be forgiven. Examples of these would be someone intentionally physically harming you or someone you love. Murder, rape, abuse; those are all very difficult but I think what helps is if you recognize that forgiving someone doesn't mean letting that person into your life. It also helps to forgive someone if they show remorse or apologize.

There is so much more to be said about this topic and I'm sure I will do so on another day, but for now, that gives us all a lot to think about.

What do you think?